i got it! i got it i got it i got it! the level of high pitched scene girl SQUEEEEEE that's going off in my head is insane :)

i'm now the daytime chef at Mulberry's Bar & Grill in Elmwood Park. suck on that son!

i knew it'd happen, i knew i'd become a cook if it was the last thing that killed me. i just need shoprite to let me go at the right time, after getting enough experiance, to be in the right place at the right time. i really feel like this time, everything feel into place at the right time. i may be a lil broke right now, cause i gotta wait to get paid, but it'll be the best. i'm excited for work again! hell i'm even more excited than i've ever been for any job. i'm finally doing a la carte! (to order, not buffet style!) i wanna cry and scream and giggle. this is what i've been waiting for. waking up in the nmorning after a busy night and my entire body aches. but waking up with a smile, mind on the prep work for the day. this is ho wi wanna spend the rest of my life. alone or not, it won't matter to me anymore. i've got the most amazing lover waiting for me everyday. her stainless steel refelcting a soft smile in the bright lights of the kitchen. ahhh, coming home smelling of onions, balsamic reduction, and random assortment of cheese fragrance, and not being the least bit bothered by it.

this is it. i know it 200% now. i'm going to be a Chef.

we now have our president elect! he is exactly who i voted for, who i wanted to see win and he did! last election i felt jipped, but now it's time! now everyone is ready for change, and even if i don't agree 100% with everything he says, i believe he will bring about change! i'm so proud to be apart of the masses that put him into power. now please please let no one take him from us. when i saw him speak at the democratic campaign in '04 i knew i believe in that man, and it's been a love affair since than. i wish that his skin color wasn't so made such an issue of, but i'm hoping that this is a positive step forward for civil rights and maybe putting a positive image into rednecks and closet racists heads. i'm looking forward to seeing how the next 4 (hopefully 8!) years go. i'm just really happy to be apart of history like this! :D i'm just filled with happiness and overwhelmed. thank goodness!!

President Barack Obama!!! bless him!

my men lost tonight...i am so sad.
patriots what the fuck man?!!
of all the games to not win...
all fuckin' season totally consistant in AWESOME-ness and than this..
yeah my heart broke..

my fuckin' team let me down..
they better pull it together for next season or i'll flip!

My fingertips smell like her.
a memento.
listening to soft boys sing lyrics
my hard heart can't say.

drunk off her kisses.
i'm quite the lush.

it's so late tonight lover.
your safe and warm.
as my mind races.
even with heavy eyelids.

make this a clean execution.
remove this heavy burden called my mind.

lovers pray for insane acts.
love me back.
express love in ways that i can misunderstand.

letting my mind ride the waves back to the past.
when my stomach bunched in knots near her.
flirting wildly.
a mad woman in love with love.

if only i knew.
she was my head on collision.

insecurities arise when stabilty smiles.
rapid eye movements happen while i'm awake.
heavy drum heart beats.
a stuttering fool.

i've never been versed in love dear.
i'm a jill of all trades...
never a master..

chapped lips and nervous hands.
lovers ask for inane acts.

hold me.
give me everything short of the moon
unless you can get a good deal on ebay darling..

screaming in the front of my skull.
only to hear the quiet static of my mind.
so afraid to find comfort in the static.

the rusted wheels turn.
i'm holding you.
your loving me.

i'm still a stuttering fool.

it's late tonight.
and i'm alone, loving you entirely.

your smell at my fingertips.
your memento to me.


i haven't written in forever...words flow like honey, thick with metaphors, yet so rough/slow it kills a writer that begs for it to live.

♥

i'm making my journal friends only. no one who isn't my real friend needs to read my personal shit.

comment me, and if i want, i'll friend you so you can read it.

much love!
.brandi.

so i've been thinking alot lately.
it's time i make so edits to my life, friends and otherwise.

people bring way to much shit up into my life.
drama, stress, heartache, annoyances, etc.
i'm not feelin' it anymore.
i've been dealing with it all internally and it's only caused more stress.
but this past weekend i went up to Conn. and hung with Vicki
it felt like someone open up the locked door in my mind.
i could actually be happy.
and i was happy because i wasn't dealing with other people and their bullshit.
i was happy because i was with someone who made me happy
who wasn't dramatic, stressful, annoying, or causing any other strife.

so with that realization, as well as a minor awkward breakdown
i realize people just gotta go.

i am gonna be stopping with alot of people.
but the new people who've come into my life,
make it alot more bearable,
and in fact i can ACTUALLY be a happy person.

thanks to Jon, TJ, Vicki, Allee, Emmee, Tanya (altho ur not really new but we've started talking again lol), and Melissa. you've all made it more bearable, and thanks for tolerating me when i'm carrying on about the people in my life that stress me the fuck out. without you guys (especially Vicki & Allee, no offense but u know how i roll when it comes to family) i wouldn't be able to fuction. i love you guys so much.

i'm happy about this decision.
i'm pretty damn sure i'm sticking with it too.
and i'm also sure, my friends, the real ones, will help me with it.

much love you guys. peace.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

soooooooo it's been a fucking min eh? lemme keep ya updated.

this christmas was the best i've had ever. i finally felt whole in church and it's been a long time since i got that feeling. i know everyone wonders how a gay chick can feel apart of a religion that seemingly condems her, but in my church it isnt like that (it's a reformed catholic church)and i guess when you get that feeling where shit makes sense and you can breathe and smile and feel apart of something bigger then you, you can look over little things because that feeling is unexplainable, it's almost the same feeling i get when i can finally let myself over to the mere beats and music of trance as of lately. trance has made shit feel alot more clear and easier. i can't explain how it does it. but the beats all working and the heaviness of no even needing words to say exactly how you feel, when you can't help but move your body down to every cell and fiber in you because it makes sense. i got that feeling again in church as well. i felt like shouting every word to every hymn, like crying and jumping around to the beat and pulse of understanding in that church. i want to raise up my arms and sway around like a crazy raver kid because even though no one else hears it, i hear every meaning in every pause and breath, the hidden message for me in every hymn and verse from the bible. i wanted to thank G-d for everything. close my eyes, lift my arms up, close my eyes, and scream THANK YOU! i didn't have anything to complain about to omplicate anything it was just me and G-d and i felt right. this past year G-d blessed me with Vicki and i parting but still bumbling around in the dark confusion of my emotions to slam fullf orce right back into one another and i feel the same i did in the beginning and i can't live without her, G-d has blessed my family with Jenn and her sons i finally feel like home, like family. i've NEVER felt like that with anyone before, but they are who i want to stay with where i find honest love and support and i couldn't have asked for a better family. hell when we went into church together i felt as if that was the whole, as if i had been looking adn waiting for this family feeling and now i got it and i could finally fully be whole and thank god for my family, i thank G-d for Kellie because even now almost 5 years later we are still so close and she honestly is the best friend i could have ever asked for even when i get annoyed with her sometimes i know she is the best ever to me and never sugar coats shit and i love her for smacking me around a bit sometimes because i need that shit, i thank G-d for Nogga finding something that would make her happy even if it meant she'd have to be away from me for so long, i even thank G-d for giving me the experiance with Jay because without the heartache iw ould have never grown as a person and learned i need to respect myself more than i had been. i thank G-d for so much and i was happy. this past year was something i'm glad to look back on because it's been a year of growth and i love that.

tonight i had an amazing night, i say Jay tonight for the first time in a really long time, and we all simply went for coffee and hung in Kellie's basement playing Monopoly. but i think it was more the fact that with him when we get together it's as if things never changed. we're still comfortable and we can both just be in silence and understand each other. he can talk to me and call me on my shit and i can do the same. tonight he and i stood outside my house (he dropped us off and allee had already gone inside) for over and hour (mind you in the freezing cold so my toes were numb wheni got in lol) and just talked. about all the drama that had gone on in both our lives, the things that went down between he and i and i got some clarity, much needed if you ask me. i realize i've let alot of drama enter my life and he called me on it because he was like "i've never know you to just stand by and let drama happen to you, you always had a plan of action but now nothing?" and i was like DAYUM BOY! you called me on my shit! haha i couldn't help but laugh and give that lil skinny bitch a hug. i need to cut some things out of my life, and i can't tolerate peoples stress and drama that they've dumped on me. i needed to be able to breath and i'm going to make it happen.

i've loved today, it really did feel like a beginning of a New Year. maybe it won't be i'm not sure but the optomist in me won't let me see it any other way. i love this feeling. maybe it's the trance, maybe it's the elation of the conversation jay and i had, or whatever, but i hope i can keep it.

i love all you guys and thank you for either standing by with no words and letting me do things on my own, or comeing in and helping me with the shit in my life. have a good night and if u read this all thank you. MWA. night daaaaahlin'!!!

i quit smoking it i so fucking hard. i'm snippy and agitated. when i see someone smoking i crace to snatch it from them and smoke it. my chest aches for that silvery smoke to roll down my throat fill my lungs and exhale deeply as i finally calm my entire body, soul included. i feel so weak witho ut my will power. i dont want to buckle, but addiction has become me. smoking has tattoed its name deep on every cell and deep inside every inch of my lungs.\

sleepimng is the worst because now i twitch and kick so much that my blankets are all over by the time i wake up. i realize the oral fixation so now i'm chewing a straw because i don't want to gain weight because once this stage of pain and suffering ends i do want to begin exercising so i can loose weight. like ALOT.